...a marigold star

encounter and sparkle

2009-08-31T22:38:20Z

you

have changed.

the sun looked onto your face.
but you are the same height and i
freeze because your scent is very old
older than the books by my bed.
older than the apartment, older than my world
which was a painful scrapbook project
trying desperately to cover you up.
but that night, i looked like a stray wet cat
and you were all the right kinds of beautiful.
even in my strangest dreams
your eyes never sparkle like here and now.

kaela

the test

2009-04-22T19:57:52Z

this is where the test is
in this moment, and no other ones
because a choice is singular:
in the moment of the choice,
where the ball may roll
any number of ways down the face of it
that is true freedom, but also true fear
big fear
a big test
a big moment.

kaela

odd and sentimental

2008-08-14T20:47:40Z

i sat there with a broken nose
after you came home that last night
and we fought and i fell flat on my face
from one pint too many.

i sat breathless
i stared out the window
into the gemstone windows
all the clouds were heavy

i didn't realize
that the next time i'd see you
i was gonna be a stranger -
i would have cried a lot more

i miss you.

kaela

corpus christi, pneuma christi

2008-07-07T17:00:32Z

i am the mind i "am"
and not the mind i "have"
would you rather "taste" sugar
than "become" it?
having a thought is a tool
but it is not a reality
it is not a cosmic frame
the universe is not bound
by beautiful music
in harmonic separation
it is not the product
of seven perfect notes
and i don't care
for my imaginings of perfect
because plato was wrong
and philosophical death
is my true life.

kaela

dispose of properly

2008-05-20T18:52:39Z

i was looking at my coffee cup.
written on the white and palm-sized cardboard:
"dispose of properly"
and i pondered what that might mean.

maybe it's a word of caution
about parting ways
with something you've used right up
down to the filthy grinds
that sink to the bottom.

maybe they are brown crumbs of loss -
very much telling, if you're predisposed to listen -
telling of only one story, but told so well:
"we had a moment together, after i matured and self-brewed
and that moment will never die because it is death
and life and change, a never ceasing sea of difference
which only makes me think harder of you and i
and our inseparability.

you cannot leave me and so
be mindful and dispose of me properly."

kaela

typing

2008-05-06T23:43:51Z

i am still here... i just haven't been able to move my mouth in a way that makes sense. i suppose that's what's good about typing.

kaela

story writer

2008-03-19T21:44:51Z

"in the beginning" i just smiled at you
we poured language into cups for each other
and became drunk with love and longing
i "separated darkness from the light"
so there would be a place for me in black
how could i be delivered if there was no blindness?
salvation seemed to hinge on my tears
so i cried until you noticed.
if he says to this mountain: "i love you"
it will cry in shame and cast itself "into the sea."

kaela

faulty mechanics

2008-03-12T21:27:02Z

metaphysics slights me like an old lover
i am left alone with everything else material
all things finite, exacting such stark existence
i feel so lonely and sad, you used to care
but angels are made of photons and perfection
i'm a silly and tangled mess of dirt and blood
now sinews and water hold me together
but oh how they tear me apart.

kaela

a question that is the answer

2008-01-26T23:05:12Z

some of us wonder if we should forgive
if there were a universal threshold for compassion
if we should punish; whether there is a choice
whether we should run or accept or change
some of us don't even consider it a possibility

paradoxical -

many times in my life i did not forgive
mostly because i wanted someone else to feel a measure of pain
in some secret way longing for understanding, for congruency
THIS IS HOW I FEEL. THIS IS HOW YOU HURT ME.
a yearning for such a perverted compassion.

forgive
forgive until your heart is empty!
then...
forgive EVEN MORE.

kaela

tell me it isn't

2008-01-19T08:36:43Z

i am eternal in my lover's arms.
i saw a boy smile at me from across the tracks.
i thought until i reached the causeless cause.
i met a woman and we had such a good conversation.
i crossed palestine in a caravan of forty thousand.
i climbed a mountain.
i saw the sky.
i felt the world.
i existed.
i am.

a person writes, talks, thinks these things: i think god.
but when i say "god" does anyone think a series of these things?
a strange puzzle that the universe of discourse is not symmetrical
backwards, forwards, one way streets in mind
but less strange than sad, because if "god" is a bad word...
well if "god" is a bad word
i mean if "god" is a bad word
that is if "god" is a bad word
i just don't know what to say
so tell me it isn't

kaela

communion

2008-01-16T02:58:33Z

understand this:

you did not give up playing childhood games
so you could play materialistic adult ones
so you could rest your heart in a treasure chest
instead of a toy chest
or your own chest.

i am beyond light
(only by light can we know the sun)
i am beyond dark
(what is shadow without brightness?)
i am the taste of air
i am the smell of evening sadness
you burned incense for me
you believed in me once -
now i'm that ridiculous notion -
but once, i was your first love

but once, i was your first love
and they say the hurt never stops.

kaela

virtue

2008-01-09T22:43:24Z

i find that my heart makes good conversation
that heavy notions roll off the tongue
they sound like sweet wines
words that, when unadorned, were so scary.

kaela

aristophanes

2007-12-07T17:41:09Z

mr. socrates, i wish
i left you a message
on your voice answering machine.
i wanted to tell you
how much you denied
and repressed my humanity
instead i published
a scathing critique
and now you're dead.

kaela

jesus to paul of tarsus

2007-11-20T21:27:18Z

dear paul my apostle,

shalom.

it has been some time since we last talked. i am sorry about the road to damascus. i have been here with pops and i am waiting for you now. i sometimes peak from under the stones and unturned pages at the house-churches, from under the feet of people, and listen to your conversations. me and dad smile at everyone's hope. i really hope you are soft on simon. everyone knows you are louder than him, but he is my rock. how is james the just? i miss all of those guys. i miss our old days when we were just multiplying fish and working weather all the time - a time i wish you were here for. the work up here is much different than you could ever imagine. i haven't seen my baptizer here yet. i don't have the guts to ask dad.

i wanted to tell you to be easy on everyone, i know things are hard but they will get worse before they get better.i don't know the last things, but i wouldn't lie - jerusalem will fall. it is not your task to restore it, though. far in the future life will be easier for us, jews and gentiles alike. dad calls you guys his sons too. i don't get jealous, but i cry a little because that means you are my brothers. i still remember when they asked me what i was like. do you remember what i said? i said, i am not your teacher. you have tasted the water i have tasted from the spring that i keep. we become each other. we are each other.

heaven is pretty quiet right now. i promise not to scare you again. keep writing those letters, you are doing a great job. i will see you soon.

jesus the christ

beginnings

2007-11-15T02:31:29Z

"in the beginning," is the end
sin crouches at the doorway
of rotten seed, grows rotten tree
the wrong door will lead you to his eyes
do not open the door, i whisper in my soul
the wrong road will lead you to his house
do not take this dangerous road
because at the beginning
there is chance for change
chance for truth
-- where, when, how will you learn
tears are not what redemption looks like.

kaela

six week story

2007-11-04T17:59:09Z

i guess i better write, before my body overflows. before i resign an entire six weeks to forgetfulness, before the salty feelings of the water are completely lost to my mind. how can i hold it, move it around, play with it? it barely exists. let me tell you my story.

the past times are growing thinner, as winter comes closer. early in october i was waning like the moon might a particular autumn day. the city glows with light in the pacific atmosphere. the cat curls against the armchair. i am once again alone. i took a walk by the briny shore. taking careful notes of all that was around me. i was filled with it, and it was filled with i. but mostly it was filled with you.

yes, you left me. we thought we could be a single one, but we became two, disparate and alone. the autumn leaves won't fall this year. they are waiting for us to meet again, on main street's trendy shops. their wait is fruitless. we grow further and further apart with every day. i am afraid. it cannot sink in my heart enough, that we will never be. and so the leaves wait. poor leaves. i didn't mean to lie. like he didn't mean to gradually fade. and i didn't mean to become aloof and wrapped up like i always become. without a goodbye, we stood knowingly in our city balconies, miles from each other. we have an understanding. we have chosen this path. it is not ours to change whenever we'd like. permanent us. permanent you and i.

the reasons i haven't written are forever and engaging in ways i cannot type here. i am sure that if you take a moment to look inside your heart, you will not need to read anything more i have to write. if you look there, you will see me, the plight of the autumn leaves, and the eventual disintegration of all. i await winter with an open mind. but that's plainly logical.

chapter 2 is located where you least expect it.

kaela

awkward strings

2007-09-17T16:38:18Z

i saw you say something but it was like a movie where the sound cuts and people are saying all things and you just can't hear them.
i was calfornia, i trailed out from the edge of the cliff like an epic fog.
your life became everything i wasn't, but i held on dearly.
waking up to your breathing was the most frustrating piece of my heart i ever managed to outgrow.
all the time, you at the side of the car, speaking awkward strings without making a sound.
an engine in my chest pumping fragile life, once living for your touch.

kaela

north star

2007-08-20T18:53:30Z

i am an arrow
if you've found me
you have found nothing
but the right set of directions.

i am the north star
follow me
not to reach me
not to touch me

hold me close
yet far off

follow the river
to move amongst ghosts
and teachers
and god.

kaela

mother & daughter

2007-06-06T15:40:50Z

dear unborn daughter,

i don't know if you will ever exist.

i can't imagine meeting your father: the person in whom i see the face of Everything, a person who completes me in the image of the universe, consecrates me and puts grace to work on these wrinkles and scars. through my agencies of reason, you seem so distant and unlikely. your existence hinging on some incredible events which appear impossible now.

yet i have the strangest feeling that you will happen some day so i decided to write to you, whomever your father may be. because the relationship between mother and daughter is different, special, important. i want to tell you some things that i wish i had known as a child, so you may grow into these words and wear them like old people have worn the clothes of wisdom.

EVERYthing is meaningful. every second important. every day a new life. every action a prayer.

GIVE. give, without expecting anything back. give, until your heart is empty, and then more. give, to friends and enemies alike. give, everyday more than you have before.

YOUR heart is a cave. your body is a temple. your food and drink are who you are. your faith is a mustard seed. your hands, your feet, are the hands and feet of something greater. your eye is but a palm, and cannot grasp everything completely. rely on your heart, and you will see the colors of life. rely on the inside and you will know all that is outside.

NEVER choose to suffer. never choose what hurts you or hurts others. resolve not to hurt, not to kill, to cultivate bravery, humility, an infinite ocean of love for everything living. never close your mind or heart. never fear. never look back, never let up, never surrender.

ALWAYS believe. always dream. always stay rooted, but never stay stuck. always love, always practice compassion and mercy. always fight for social justice. always keep your cup empty, ready to learn. always draw on peace, tranquility, and the secret bliss of life.

your future mother,
kaela

[what would you say, if you could?]

welcome

2007-05-15T15:22:26Z

welcome,

friends
enemies
living things
the dead
faithful
the faithless
rememberers
forgetters
traginovelists
library worms
sandmen
prophets
genies

welcome, all.
kaela

me and you

2007-05-04T16:44:01Z

nothing can keep me from you.

kaela

handshake

2007-04-19T03:42:08Z

i think we are a handshake.
i think we are a temporary meeting
of all the non-us things we are.
these things existed separately
and will exist separately afterwards;
maybe even forever.
maybe this is sad. i don't care.
i just want to make a difference:
be the best,
most comfortable,
delicious,
living,
momentous
handshake
ever.
kaela

"things are going to change"

2007-04-09T16:54:39Z

today, a boy said to me
"things are going to change"
but, i wasn't scared
and i was amazed at myself
because change is unchanging
and these are things
i am coming to know intimately.
coming to delight in,
boundlessly aware of;
this makes me smile.

kaela

a nighttime scenery

2007-04-03T14:41:52Z

the moon goes down over towering spires! the traffic lights are miles long. a settled cat sleeps in a chair. drops of rain pattern the window. the city is draped with halos of light. every little drop is a little prism and a little mirror. the clouds are parting; a new beginning. after every dusk, a dawn. after every rain, a penetrating blue sky. the spirit is upon us when we seek. the spirit is upon us when we find. and the city, the city, is spirit too.

kaela

everything changes tonight

2007-03-22T15:01:36Z

you tip the barista. you walk instead of take the bus. you savor the mood. rain is positive. when you get home you make phone calls you never remember to make. you write a letter. the TV stays off. you pray. brave-you finally confronts the memories that you've hidden, that have taken root and destroyed your life like a poor wrecked sidewalk. you write them on notecards and, in your pajamas, walk out to the bridge on the water and toss them all away. float away in wind and sea! radiant-you walks back home, takes the stairs. radiant, beautiful, perfect-you falls asleep without a stir. radiant, beautiful, perfect you.

kaela