a single marigold, in the sky

last christmas we went to the theater. the world was closed and we made a palace out of our home, setting up the vcr and not the dvd player. we watched "it's a wonderful life" on a big screen the size of a small cardboard box. the film felt hollow with black and white movie magic; the strange lacking of color, of unimportance ( and though you object, very much like myself ). we made a nest out of the tiny exaggerated spaces we knew too well. snow fell. your arms took mine and held them, then squeezed them, then held them again, then squeezed them again. we were twenty minutes into the film and two bottles of spiked cider down when you said, your voice sounding like it never sounded at all, so quiet it scared me, "leland i'm sorry."

of all the terrible things that have happened on past holidays, of all the broken bones and warm moments like fleece, the car rides and quiet early morning hours with just arms and legs, this year was the worst. you still exist but where?

renaissance2010
Turning to photography as a creative outlet during a valiant fight with breast cancer at age 34, renaissance10 survived and set up a photo contest to help raise funds for the Lavender Trust, a nonprofit that provides information and support to younger women with breast cancer. In the first two years, the competition brought in over £65,000 (that's $107,260.73 U.S.!), with entries from 130 countries last year. Renaissance10 recently joined LiveJournal to meet other passionate photographers and find supportive friends.

curiouscupcakes
Holy buttercream frosting! If you have a sweet tooth for sugary goodness or a wandering eye for whimsical confection, this is pure ecstasy iced in deliciousness. Hailing the beloved cupcake as the artisinal canvas of choice, you'll enjoy recipes, photos, and bountiful tips to bake up a batch, whether your taste leans toward French classics or funky and flavorful.

mission101
With New Years in the offing, it's an ideal time to reflect on past accomplishments, make peace with disappointments, and refocus the lens on future goals. This community welcomes you to create a bucket list of 101 things you plan to accomplish in the next 1,001 days. Offering support, guidance, and inspiration, this is a great way to jumpstart those pesky resolutions.

so woohoo after a huge fight last night, i dont know who i am anymore.

 

He was afraid that he had told me he loved me while he was barely conscious.
And I wanted to ask, "do you love me?"
I know he'd say no, no matter what. I think the Army taught him how to lie.
He kept thanking me for talking to him, for being his past love interest, and most of all for being his "therapist".
As much as I try to play off the hurt, and as ridiculous as I feel for it being four months later, I still love this boy.

Who do you still love, but feel you shouldn't?

you were right, and I was wrong to ask you to stay. I guess I thought we could fix this, because every time we set it down, wait a minute and come back to it, we both have these new ideas about how we are going to nurture it better, love each other more honestly, show each other more fully. I guess, I always knew but never acknowledge that at the end of the day we are both always still exactly the same people. I am going to miss you, every day, every time the big hand reaches back around at 12, and the small hand shifts to whatever hour the sun says it is. I will think of you. I will constantly have traces of what I said goodbye to, or more accurately couldn't say goodbye to. I will always remember our potential. Maybe that's why this hurts so bad, because I keep waiting for our hour to come. When I'll zap to your continent, or you to mine. I'd watch the sun rise from your plane, drink coffee from your favorite cup. We always said we'd shine one day, I am still waiting. I will still wait. This has become like a tide that I keep expecting to reach the shore, but it never does. They say that it's the moon that does these things, pulls water to the shore. It isn't fair, that this is my goodbye. It isn't fair that you don't get to use your thumb to wipe the tear from my eye. It isn't fair that you can't look at my face and tell me you love me back. Or that you don't love me anymore. It isn't fair that I don't even get to watch you walk away. Don't I fucking deserve that? Am I the only one still crying for this? is there someone somewhere half a world away, crying for the exact same reasons? Are you crying for the same reasons? Would you cry for me? Would you pound your fist into cement, and beg every holy figure to bring me back? would you scream at the moon to pull me closer?

what do you do when you're in love with someone you're not allowed to/supposed to be in love with? is there anyway around it? should i just accept it? should i move on?

So, I'm friends with this group of guys. Especially one of them who has declared me his BFF, but we also have sex, etc. This group of guys has the worst luck with women, forever gravitating towards these insecure, psychotic, damaged bitches. When they start dating these girls they pretty much have to cut me out of their life, because the girls are so insecure and dramatic that my presence and friendship is the biggest threat since nuclear bombs. And on top of it all, I care about the one that's my BFF. He always complains about how he gets these drugged up, knife wielding, lunatics and I just want to shake him and say "WHAT THE FUCK AM I??!!" I've accidentally ruined enough of his friendships just by existing that I should merit something, but no. I get my clothes stolen, my gas used up, and all the tidbits of what he's going to do the next time he fucks someone other than me. Not to sound blatantly childish and immature, but...it fucking sucks.

Once, early on, I had asked her why she did not allow me to kiss her. We were in bed though it was well past midday. I was sitting up, with my head resting against the headboard. I was looking at the ceiling and counting the cracks and for each one I was thinking of something I wished I had done when I had the chance. She was lying beside me but far enough away not to touch, perfectly straight with her hands stretched in front of her. I looked down from the ceiling and I asked her and she stretched out her hands a little further, so that they almost touched me. But she was not interested in how close I was, she threaded her fingers together and looked down at them. She blinked once, slowly, and the sun streamed in from the window behind her and illuminated a stream of dust in the air. For each dust particle I could think of one more thing I wished I had done when I had the chance.

She looked down at her hands and told me that nothing was easy. She asked me if it bothered me. It was unusual for her to think about things like that. I shook my head and said no, not particularly. I was just curious, I said. She traced the inside of her wrist with one finger and told me that nothing was simple.

She looked up at me and asked me to try to kiss her. Everything seemed to be happening so slowly on that afternoon, and everything had a strange haze of golden light over it. Of course it was the sunlight. But then it wasn’t. It was the two of us and the cracks in the ceiling. There was no clock in that room and yet I could hear something ticking, slowly, like an old grandfather clock. I didn’t know what anything meant.

I'm looking for a poem that was posted here awhile back; its about birthstones and the months they belong to. If anyone could point me in the general direction of it that would be fabulous!!

 How many of you roleplay? Like..be it online or other wise, because I want to make some new role play buddies...I have a pirate and X/men role play going on right now and i just kinda wanted someone else to roleplay/talk to while I wait for my other friend to post...PM for an add on hotmail/yahoo i suppose...I just want someone to RP with...

I suppose we stand somewhere between the terms stranger, acquaintance, ex-lover, friend. Somewhere between that vast distance (and yet, utter closeness) that separates and merges the four categories, we glide like ghosts, moving backwards and forwards according to time and memory. It’s easier to pick up the phone now that we’re relatively on speaking terms. Except there’s that dilemma of what the hell there is to say. I finally watched that movie you loved, the sky looks awfully pretty today, the way my father looks these days makes me feel like crying, does your mother still make you feel like all you've done since the day you were born was disappoint her, isn’t it tragic that smoking makes so many people sad. Random observations and feelings that we know the other would fully understand because we were holding hands when the events that led up to it happened. I told you how afraid I was that my father would burn himself out trying to keep so many people safe and happy. I was there when you tried to quit. You wouldn’t shut up about that stupid movie. My arms were wrapped around you that one time we saw the sun set. So these thoughts and feelings don’t seem so random after all - but they are. You haven’t been in my life. I can’t just pick up the phone and call. Or blurt it out on the rare occasions we pass and say hello on the street in this claustrophobic city. And we are afraid, of course. Of wounds that never seem to heal. Of rubbing salt into them, or revealing one we never knew we had. I tried, you know. I tried a dozen times. I almost sent you texts. I almost called.

I wanted to see you. I always changed my mind.

This is my open letter to the friend who is close by, but is also so very, very, very far away. This is everything I can’t bring myself to say. I hope you’re doing wonderfully. May your life be blessed, and may you always believe in the wonderful, strong, courageous person that you are.

i don't know how to live with regret or unrequitted love anymore. it's too hard.
"i wish it could have just worked out."
me too.
more than anything.
it's been almost four months
and i still think about you every single hour
of every single day
and i still miss you
and i still love you
and i want to believe i've accepted that we'll never be together again
but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it
and i'm sorry every day
and i want to go back and change everything
and it hurts so bad
and i don't know what to do.

So tonight I decided to just not go to sleep (it happens randomly) and so I watched Stardust, took a shower, set my hair in curlers, and sat down to do my nails. Between taking off my previous nail polish and putting on cuticle oil, the radio station I listen to (kAMP) had one of those commercials that's like, "Call now to spend New Years Eve in Six Flags Magic Mountain! Brought to you by Coke and AMP radio" blah blah blah. So of course, I think "Why not?" and dial in. It rings once. It rings again. Then someone picks up, and a female voice says "Congratulations! You won!" And I'm just like, "Whaaa?" So I give her my info, and she asks for my SSN, and I say "Yeah, my mom would kill me if I gave out my Social over the phone in the middle of the night" so I give her my mom's cell number, and she says they'll call my mom on Monday to get it from her.
I WON! A pair of tickets to Six Flags!!!
Problem: I don't like Six Flags. I'm beyond terrified of roller coasters. And I already have plans with my aunt and uncle for New Years. Maybe they'll come with! The other ticket can be for one of them, and then we'll only have to buy one.
OMGOMGOMG!!!
I've never won anything like this before! Actually, I don't think I've ever won anything...ever :/
BUT I HAVE NOWWWW!!!!
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot!
Staying up until 5:30 actually paid off!!! :D

People talk about theater or drama in reference to everyday experience but when did the curtains ever part to reveal you sitting there next to me in our old BMW while crossing the bridge over the Stör on a clear winter afternoon with a sky like blue glass scratched as you said from all the various jet trails you turning your head to the right looking off towards the western horizon across all those flat green acres of northern Germany me glancing over at you without you being aware of it seeing you sitting there content in the warm sunlight coming through the windshield absorbed in your own personal thoughts of god knows what & then the attendant cascade of psyche-encompassing emotions that suddenly engulfed me as I caught a glimpse of the tiny set of wrinkles at the corner of your eye immediately remembering how seriously you took your fortieth & most recent birthday then me being catapulted into that crushing orbit of conceptual thinking dealing with time & age & destiny & what it means to be alive & what it means to be in love & how we all deal with getting old & the passing of time & the laying aside of certain dreams & desires in favor of various creature comforts & a predictable easiness into which we all are slipping deeper & deeper from day to day ultimately precluding even the remotest possibility of any manifestation of true happiness or satisfaction & then us coming down off of the bridge & onto the autobahn me putting the gas pedal calmly & purposely to the floor leaving what I had been thinking about behind us like the clouds of blue exhaust as we accelerated in a mechanical rush of pure power & motion the tachometer & the speedometer both rising steadily the car hurtling forward on the smooth asphalt temporarily eclipsing all thoughts of time & the passing thereof & cleanly bringing to an end the inner spectacle of today’s particular drama in a manner so thorough & final that it’s bordering on the surgical.

 

My lj friend posted this picture & I love it. It made me think. I'm not sure why.

Do you have any interesting pictures? It can be anything.
Anything that makes you feel something.
Share them please! :)

 I don't PMS badly. I don't get awful cramps or migraines, and I should consider myself lucky, because my mother did. I don't feel bloated and I'm not tired or lethargic.

I do get awfully depressed.

And knowing I'm PMS-ing sucks, because it makes me feel like my feelings are invalid. Like I don't have a right to be sad, because I know it's just my hormones talking.
Nothing is wrong, and I shouldn't be upset.
So I guess I'm not.

what do you do when you feel just plainly awfully lonely?

these are the photos that i've compiled into 2 collages from a makeover + photoshoot my mum bought me for my birthday in august (:
there were 50 photos in 2 outfits but i've picked my favourites and put them here. Just thought i ought to post in 2am more.






anyone else gone for makeovers&photoshoots before? (: